101 Things I Shouldn't Have Learned At The Academy
by Major Trouble
Summary: A list of 101 things Trouble Kelp never should have learned at the Academy- but did. Some ideas are worse than others. Some are just plain stupid. Some you might not understand. WARNING: Some not-so-nice content. Nothing graphic.
1. 1 Through 20

**Disclaimer: Holly Short, Julius Root, Vein, Grub and Trouble Kelp belong to Eoin Colfer. All ideas are mine, unless stated otherwise.**

_**I learned…**_

1. How to play beer pong.

2. How to play Texas Hold 'Em Poker.

3. That Holly Short wears sports bras.

4. That Vein, my roommate, is _big_, if you catch my drift.

5. To never get drunk when I've got class with Commander Root the next morning.

6. How to have good sex.

7. How to use a vending machine.

8. That bullets from Mud Men guns kill- literally and in an amount-of-pain kind of way.

9. That Grub actually wears boxers, not diapers.

10. That Holly Short can defend herself against a guy- perhaps better than any other person I've ever met.

11. That trying to pull an all-nighter when you've got 'creative writing' (yes, we have some 'normal' classes like that and geometry) is impossible, and stupid.

12. That Grub can use a mop.

13. That gay sex really isn't that bad.

14. That hangovers suck almost as bad as a drunk Vein.

15. That hangovers just plain suck.

16. That Bud Light is better than Sam Adams, but Coors is better than either.

17. That not wearing socks in combat boots really hurts, even with magic to heal the blisters.

18. Holly Short does not like to be flirted with.

19. To never shoot Root with a Nerf gun, even if it's fun. And just because that rhymed twice, doesn't mean it's nice.

20. How to play the lollipop game (FF's Holly25Trouble, explanation below.)

It's kind of like the nervous game. There is one lollipop and people take turns eating it. Only you have to pull it from the persons mouth and if they don't let go you have to try to kiss them. You don't have to kiss, people end up letting go of the lollipop before you get too close. It's a lot of fun.


	2. 21 Through 40

_**I learned…**_

21. How to talk to girls. (FF's Holly25Trouble)

22. How to play Go Fish.

23. That playing Truth or Dare is not a good idea. (FF's fairy milly ready for duty)

24. That Spin the Bottle is worse. (FF's fairy milly ready for duty)

25. That trying to get Root to believe your beer is cream soda doesn't work.

26. That when you're drunk, the floor looks like a pillow. It's not. (Ouch… that left a mark.) (AFC's lordsurya)

27. To never EVER offer Holly Short a drink. (AFC's lordsurya)

28. That Commander ROOT doesn't like ROOT beer- so don't give him any if you value your life. (AFC's lordsurya)

29. That teacher's know when you're not sick- you're hung-over.

30. That wearing all black makes you look like a Retrieval wannabe- something you should never look like. You'll end up headfirst in a trashcan. If you're lucky. So listen to your older friends when they warn you of the REAL Retrieval boys.

31. That I can't _not_ compliment Foaly's tin foil hat if I want my equipment to be ready when I actually need it. (FF's x..x.o)

32. To _never_ say Root's complexion is 'Ruby Red.' Ever. He'll fin out. (FF's x..x.o)

33. That threatening to tell mommy on Grub- for anything- is an effective, if rather non-macho, way to get rid of an annoying little brother when trying to hit on Holly Short- which is a bad idea, by the way. (AFC's Laluzi)

34. That actually trying to do well in the non-physical classes gets you a lot of weird looks. Another piece of advice I didn't listen to.

35. Much like the ROOT beer comment- Commander _Julius_ Root doesn't like any flavor of julius (the ice cream drink stuff).

36. How to do my own laundry.

37. That when you're out of magic and hurt, it's not just stubborn to refuse to be healed- it's stupid and puts your life in danger.

38. To _never_ let people know I can sing.

39. How to use a microwave.

40. How to give a blow job.


	3. 41 Through 60

**Disclaimer: Grub and Trouble Kelp, their mom, Holly Short, Newt, Lili Frond, Commander Root, and Wing Commander Vinyaya (did I miss anyone?) all belong to Eoin Colfer, and I is not he.**

_**I learned…**_

41. To change the sheets (if you catch my drift).

42. How to talk 'dirty' and not get caught for it.

43. That the punishment for fucking someone is extra drills, every day, for a month. You better hope the commander doesn't walk in on you. (That wasn't me- Vein told me that after he laid Frond- but I still shouldn't have learned it, should I?)

44. That if you play laser tag with your commander, _let him win._

45. Even in training never punch a girl. Ever. Not even Holly Short.

46. That sparring with Holly is a bad and painful idea. But it's an easy way out of class, no matter how embarrassing. (FF's Holly25Trouble)

47. That hiding beer in the mini-fridge during dorm checks isn't all that bright. (FF's Holly25Trouble)

48. That trying to sneak into the girls' locker room while Holly is in there isn't the greatest of ideas. Even if you're shielded. (FF's Holly25Trouble)

49. That just because _most_ girls will let you use their breasts as pillows does not mean that a certain auburn-haired, hazel-eyed female elf will. However, Vein doesn't mind. (_WTF?_) (FF's Holly25Trouble)

50. To hide anything incriminating (condoms, beer, etc.) in a friend's room when mom comes to visit. She _will_ empty my drawers, she _will_ empty Vein's, she _will_ search the entire room, and she _will_ ask questions. (FF's Holly25Trouble)

51. That brake dancing on the desk gets you exactly10 detentions- 2 for being on the desk, 3 for distracting your classmates, and 5 for break dancing in the middle of class, for no apparent reason. Of course, I think Root just likes to see me in detention.

52. To not punch Grub for shortening my name.

53. That Holly's pillows smell like strawberries.

54. That almost all of Holly's underwear is green.

55. That breaking into Holly's dorm room to learn the above two was totally worth it.

56. How to knit.

57. That Newt's no good in bed.

58. That neither is Lili Frond.

59. That Commander Root doesn't appreciate it when you put a root spray-painted purple in his desk chair.

60. Using paper from your mom that says 'Trouble Kelp' at the top to forge a love letter from Wing Commander Vinyaya to Commander Root doesn't exactly work.


	4. 61 Through 80

**Disclaimer: I do not own Root, Vinyaya, Holly, Trouble, **_**Artemis Fowl**_**, Frond, Newt, Vein, the LEP, or the Academy (did I miss anything?) because they belong to the wonderful Eoin Colfer, and I is not he.**

_**I learned…**_

61. To NEVER call the commander Julius. (Well, duh!) (FF's LuckyNaruto08)

62. To never ask out Holy Short. For those of you wondering, she kicks you (you-know-where) and won't talk to you for at least two months (not that she ever talks to me anyway…) (FF's LuckyNaruto08)

63. That I'm allergic to pineapples. And it's one of those embarrassing allergy… things. (FF's ..x.)

64. To not use Holly Short's backpack to smuggle beer into my dorm. …Ouch. (AFC's lordsurya)

65. That I'm _very _stupid, and immature, too.

66. Drumming. Not my best choice for electives… 'Save a drum, bang a drummer.'

67. That you don't bother insulting your superiors in another language. Gift of tongues, you idiot! (Okay, I'm not going to talk to myself anymore, that's just weird.)

68. That talking to yourself is weird.

69. That it hurts to iron your hand.

70. That ironing your hand intentionally (on a dare, even _I'm_ not _that_ stupid!) hurts more.

71. To not read Holly/Root fan fiction (based off of the Mud Men's _Artemis Fowl_ books) on Academy computers.

72. To not read anything pairing Holly and me, either.

73. That watching Vinyaya's reaction to seeing someone reading Root/Vin is hysterical- and a video that has at least 5k hits online!

74. To not stay up late ,aking a list of ethings I nevet

75. Lili Frond? Horrible. Newt? Same. Those blond elves whose names I don't know? (For the record, eight guys and a girl) Okay. Vein? Awesome. Holly Short? Wish I knew.

76. To never pair myself with Holly Short in my creative writing assignment.

77. To be careful what I write in the notebook I bring to every class- seeing as Holly's in every one of them, and sits next to me (extremely reluctantly) in two of them.

78. Calling Holly Short by her last name like you do with your guy friends is an insult to her. Oops… STUPID TROUBLE! STUPID! Okay, sorry, talking to myself again….

79. That making myself look like a total fool in front of the entire Academy, and LEP, just so I could lay Holly Short (as part of a bet with her) is _**TOTALLY**_ worth it. And the funny looks and insults. And the detentions every day until I graduate.

80. Holly Short? _**FUCKING AMAZING!**_ (No pun intended.)


	5. 81 Through 101

**Disclaimer: Trouble and Grub Kelp, Vein, Holly Short, Artemis Fowl, Frond, Root, the Academy, and Foaly all belong to Eoin Colfer, and I is not he.**

_**I learned…**_

81. To never talk to Grub about "Mommy" in front of _anyone_. (FF's LuckyNaruto08)

82. That Vein can give one hell of a blowjob. (FF's Individual Twelve)

83. To never look at fan art pairing Holly Short with _anyone_, but especially Artemis Fowl. Or me. (FF's Individual Twelve)

84. To never hide any of Holly Short's underwear you _may_ have stolen in your books. (FF's Individual Twelve)

85. To never steal any of Holly's underwear. (FF's Individual Twelve)

86. That helping Grub out of a sticky situation isn't worth my time or effort. (FF's ..x.)

87. That Holly has a nice ass. But don't bother mentioning it to her. She doesn't appreciate it. (FF's ..x.)

88. That Frond does. (FF's ..x.)

89. That Frond's isn't as nice as Holly's. So don't tell her, either. (FF's ..x.)

90. That nothing you say to Holly is _ever_ a compliment in her eyes, so it's best to keep your mouth shut. (FF's ..x.)

91. Never punch Holly Short's crush. (She has one?) (Yeah, I was surprised too.) (Why'd you punch him?) ('Cuz Holly likes him.) (Oh.) (FF's Shuriko)

92. To not stick a fish in my pants. Particularly in my boxers. (FF's Holly25Trouble)

93. To not act like a ninja when dressed up like a fish. (FF's Holly25Trouble)

94. That impersonating Root is a bad idea. It's also illegal. (Remember, he's a police officer.) (FF's Holly25Trouble)

95. That skinning dipping in the Academy pool is a bad idea. Especially if you're drunk.

96. That kissing a piranha is very bad. (FF's Holly25Trouble)

97. To never prank call Root. (FF's Holly25Trouble)

98. That hitting Root in the manhood is funny and totally worth the detentions. All three months of them. (FF's Holly25Trouble)

99. To not make fun of the marching band. (Since when does the Academy have a marching band?) (FF's Holly25Trouble)

100. To never dance in my room, listening to my MP3 player, in my underwear, with the door and windows wide open. (FF's Holly25Trouble)

101. To never buy Foaly a thong. (FF's Holly25Trouble)


End file.
